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新手妈妈的诞生
The Birth of a Mother

来源:纽约时报    2017-05-12 08:33:37



        For most women, pregnancy and new motherhood is a joy — at least some of the time. But most mothers also experience worry, disappointment, guilt, competition, frustration, and even anger and fear.        对于大多数女性来说,怀孕和成为母亲都是一种快乐——至少在某些时候是的。但大多数母亲也经历了担心、失望、内疚、竞争心态、沮丧甚至愤怒以及恐惧。
        As the psychiatrist Daniel Stern explained in the 1990s in his books “The Motherhood Constellation” and “The Birth of a Mother,” giving birth to a new identity can be as demanding as giving birth to a baby.        精神科医生丹尼尔·斯特恩(Daniel Stern)在上世纪90年代的书《母亲星座》(The Motherhood Constellation)和《母亲的诞生》(The Birth of a Mother)中解释过,就像生孩子一样,获得一个新的身份也同样磨人。
        Dr. Stern showed that becoming a mother is an identity shift, and one of the most significant physical and psychological changes a woman will ever experience.        斯特恩博士表示,成为母亲是一种身份上的转变,是女性可以体验到的最重要的身心变化之一。
        The process of becoming a mother, which anthropologists call “matrescence,” has been largely unexplored in the medical community. Instead of focusing on the woman’s identity transition, more research is focused on how the baby turns out. But a woman’s story, in addition to how her psychology impacts her parenting, is important to examine, too. Of course, this transition is also significant for fathers and partners, but women who go through the hormonal changes of pregnancy may have a specific neurobiological experience.        成为母亲的过程,被人类学家称为“matrescence”,医学界基本上没有对它进行过什么探讨。医学研究更多地集中在婴儿如何诞生上,而不是女性的身份转换上。但除了心理变化如何影响育儿之外,女人的经历也是非常需要仔细检查的。当然,这种过渡对于父亲和伴侣而言也很重要,但是怀孕激素的变化,可能导致给女性带来特定的神经生物学体验。
        When people have more insight into their emotions, they can be more in control of their behaviors. So even when the focus remains on the child, understanding the psychology of pregnant and postpartum women can help promote healthier parenting. Mothers with greater awareness of their own psychology may be more empathetic to their children’s emotions.        人们对自己情绪有更多认识后,就能够加强对自身行为的控制。因此,即使重心依然在孩子身上,了解孕产妇的心理可以帮助提升更健康的育儿方式。对自己心理的认识更清楚的母亲,可能更能理解孩子的情绪。
        Knowing the challenges of matrescence will normalize and validate how new mothers may be feeling. These are the four key things to look out for:        知道成为一个母亲这个过程面临的挑战,会让新手妈妈可能出现的感受变得正常,并得到认可。下面是四个需要注意的关键问题:
        Changing Family Dynamics: Having a baby is an act of creation. Pregnancy is more than creating a new human, it’s also creating a new family. A baby is the catalyst that will open new possibilities for more intimate connections as well as new stresses in a woman’s closest relationships with her partner, siblings and friends.        不断变化的家庭动态:生儿育女是一个创造行为。怀孕不仅仅是创造一个新的生命,还是创造一个新的家庭。孩子会充当催化剂,开辟新的可能性:建立更加密切的关系,以及女性与伴侣、兄弟姐妹和朋友最亲密的关系出现新的压力。
        In her 2012 book “The Maternal Lineage,” Paola Mariotti, a psychoanalyst and fellow of the British Psychoanalytical Society, says that a woman’s maternal identity is founded in her mother’s style, which in turn was influenced by how she was raised.        在2012年的著作《母系血统》(The Maternal Lineage)中,精神分析学家、英国精神分析协会(The British Psychoanalytical Society)会员葆拉·马里奥蒂(Paola Mariotti)说,一个女性身为母亲的身份建立在她母亲的风格基础之上,而她母亲的风格反过来又受她自己成长经历的影响。
        Whether a woman parents her child as her mother raised her, or adopts a different style, becoming a mother provides an opportunity for a do-over. In a way, a woman gets to re-experience her own childhood in the act of parenting, repeating what was good, and trying to improve what was not. If a woman had a difficult relationship with her mother, she may try to be the mother she wishes she’d had.        不管一名女性是依照母亲抚养自己的方式养育子女,还是采用不同的方法,为人母都提供了一个重新来过的机会。一定程度上,女性会在养育子女的过程中重新体验自己的童年时代,她们会重现那些美好的事情,并试图改进不太好的方面。如果一名女性和自己的母亲关系不好,那她或许会设法成为她希望自己拥有的那种母亲。
        Ambivalence: The British psychotherapist Rozsika Parker wrote in “Torn in Two: The Experience of Maternal Ambivalence” about the pull and push of wanting a child close, and also craving space (physically and emotionally) as the normal wave of motherhood. Ambivalence is a feeling that comes up in the roles and relationships a person is most invested in, because they’re always a juggling act between giving and taking. Motherhood is no exception. Part of why people have a hard time dealing with ambivalence is that it’s uncomfortable to feel two opposing things at the same time.        矛盾:英国心理治疗师罗泽西卡·帕克(Rozsika Parker)在《撕裂:为人母的矛盾体验》(Torn in Two: The Experience of Maternal Ambivalence) 中,谈及了为人母过程中正常的潮起潮落,一种来回拉锯的心态:既想要和孩子亲密接触,又企盼拥有(实体和情感)空间。一个人在花费最大心力扮演种种角色、维系种种关系之际,常常有矛盾之感。因为这些向来都是关乎付出和索取的兼顾之举。为人母也不例外。人们应对矛盾时之所以觉得困难,在某种程度上是因为同时有两种截然相反的感受会让人很不舒服。
        Most of the time, the experience of motherhood is not good or bad, it’s both good and bad. It’s important to learn how to tolerate, and even get comfortable with the discomfort of ambivalence.        大多数时候,为人母的体验既不是美好,也不是糟糕,而是既美好又糟糕。重要的是学会如何忍受令人不舒服的矛盾之感,乃至与其和平共处。
        Fantasy vs. Reality: The psychoanalyst Joan Raphael-Leff, the head of the University College London Anna Freud Centre academic faculty for psychoanalytic research, explains that by the time the baby arrives, a woman has already developed feelings about her fantasy baby. As a pregnancy progresses, a woman creates a story about her make-believe child and becomes emotionally invested in that story.        梦幻vs现实:伦敦大学学院(University College London)安娜佛洛伊德中心(Anna Freud Centre)精神分析研究学术人员主管、精神分析师琼·拉斐尔-莱夫(Joan Raphael-Leff)解释说,到宝宝降生时,女性已经发展出了对自己的梦幻宝宝的感情。随着孕期的推进,女性会编排出一个关于虚幻宝宝的故事,并充满感情地投入其中。
        A woman’s fantasies of pregnancy and motherhood are informed by her observations of the experiences of her own mother and other female relatives and friends and her community and culture. They may be powerful enough that reality disappoints if it doesn’t align with her vision.        女性对于怀孕和养育子女的幻想,源于她的观察,对象是自己的母亲以及其他女性亲友的经历,还有其社群和文化的状况。这些幻想或许会极具影响力,如果现实与幻想不相符,她就会感到失望。
        Guilt, Shame and “The Good Enough Mother”: There’s also the ideal mother in a woman’s mind. She’s always cheerful and happy, and always puts her child’s needs first. She has few needs of her own. She doesn’t make decisions that she regrets. Most women compare themselves to that mother, but they never measure up because she’s a fantasy. Some women think that “good enough” (a phrase coined by the pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott) is not acceptable, because it sounds like settling. But striving for perfection sets women up to feel shame and guilt.        愧疚、羞耻和“足够好的母亲”:女性心中也会有一个理想母亲的形象。她总是欢乐幸福,总是以子女的需要为先。她自己没什么需要。她不会做出让自己后悔的决定。大部分女性都会把自己和这样一个母亲做比较,但她们永远无法与之媲美,因为这是一个虚幻人物。一些母亲认为“足够好”(由儿科医生和精神分析师唐纳德·温尼科特[Donald Winnicott]提出的一种说法)是不可接受的,因为它听上去像是将就与凑合。但力求完美最终会让女性感到愧疚和羞耻。
        Mothers will feel guilty because they’re always making challenging and sometimes impossible choices. At times they are required to put their own needs over those of their child. Most women don’t talk about feeling ashamed because it’s usually about something that they don’t want anyone else to know. Shame is the feeling that there’s something wrong with me. This is often the result of comparing yourself to an unrealistic, unattainable standard.        妈妈们会感觉内疚,是因为她们总是在做有挑战性、有时甚至不可能实现的选择。她们时常被要求将自己的需求放在孩子的需求之下。大多数女性不会谈起自己羞愧的感觉,因为那通常是她们不想让别人知道的东西。羞愧是一种我出了问题的感觉。这往往是将自己与一种不现实、无法企及的标准做比较带来的后果。
        Too many women are ashamed to speak openly about their complicated experiences for fear of being judged. This type of social isolation may even trigger postpartum depression.        因为怕被别人评判,有太多的女性不好意思公开谈论她们的复杂体验。这种社会隔绝甚至可能会引发产后抑郁。
        When women find themselves feeling lost somewhere between who they were before motherhood and who they think they should be now, many worry that something is terribly wrong, when in fact this discomfort is absolutely common.        当女性发现自己在做母亲之前的自己和现在应该成为的自己之间感到迷失时,有不少人会担心是自己出了什么大问题,而实际上这种不适是极其普遍的。
        In the April issue of Glamour magazine, the model Chrissy Teigen became the latest in a series of celebrities who announced her struggle with postpartum depression. She joined Adele, Gwyneth Paltrow, Brooke Shields and other prominent women who have used their platforms to call attention to this serious condition.        在《魅力》(Glamour)杂志4月刊中,模特克丽茜·泰根(Chrissy Teigen)成了最新一位宣布自己患上产后抑郁症的名人。在她之前,还有阿黛尔(Adele)、格温妮丝·帕特洛(Gwyneth Paltrow)、波姬·小丝(Brooke Shields),及其他利用自身的平台呼吁人们关注这个严重问题的杰出女性。
        Postpartum depression is an underdiagnosed and undertreated public health issue that affects 10 to 15 percent of mothers. But many other mothers may still be struggling with the transition to motherhood.        产后抑郁是一种较少被诊断出且没有得到足够治疗的公共健康问题,会被10-15%的母亲碰到。但其他许多母亲或许也在艰难地应对母亲身份的转换。
        Consider the Instagram image of the pregnant and postpartum supermom: a nurturing, organized, sexy-but-modest multitasker who glows during prenatal yoga and seems unfazed by the challenges of leaking breasts, dirty laundry and sleep training. This woman is a fiction. She’s an unrealistic example of perfection that makes other women feel inadequate when they pursue and can’t achieve that impossible standard.        想想怀孕和产后的超级妈妈们在Instagram发布的照片:同时进行着多个任务,显得十分有爱、井井有条、性感而又端庄,在做产前瑜伽时熠熠生辉,遇到溢奶、脏衣服、睡眠训练等挑战时似乎也泰然自若。这个女人是一个假象。她是一个不切实际的完美例子,会让其他女性在追求和难以达到不可能实现的标准时感到力不从心。
        As the Yale psychiatrist Rosemary H. Balsam showed in an article in February in the Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, the history of psychiatrists ignoring how pregnancy impacts a woman’s development can be traced back to Freud. Women are often left with a false binary: They either have postpartum depression or they should breeze through the transition to motherhood.        就像耶鲁大学精神病学家罗斯玛丽·H·鲍尔萨姆(Rosemary H. Balsam)在今年2月发表在《美国精神分析协会期刊》(Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association)的一篇论文中所展示的,精神病学家忽视怀孕对女性发展的影响的历史可以追溯至弗洛伊德(Freud)。女性往往会被错误地二元归类:要么患上产后抑郁症,要么轻松地完成向母亲角色的转变。
        Knowing the causes of distress and feeling comfortable talking about them with others is critical to growing into a well-adjusted mother. It will help new mothers and those around them to acknowledge that while postpartum depression is an extreme manifestation of the transition to motherhood, even those who do not experience it are undergoing a significant transformation.        知道不适的原因并且可以自在和其他人谈论它们,对成长为一名适应良好的母亲是至关重要的。它将有助于新晋妈妈及其周围的人认识到,尽管产后抑郁是向母亲角色转换的一种极端表现,但哪怕是没有这种问题的母亲也在经历一项重要的转变。
                
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